Why Date Nights Are the Key to a Stronger Relationship and Better Emotional Connection
written by MIKE MCCABE JR. | COUPLES THERAPY
Why Date Nights Are the Secret to Stronger Relationships
Ever found yourself saying, 'We’ll go out next week,” only for months to pass without a single date night? Then you’re like most Americans (52%) who don’t make date night a priority every month.
If you’ve read my stuff or heard me yammer for any amount of time, you know I beat the drum on two important relationship tips:
The average couple spends 20 minutes talking to each other every week (truly depressing stat!)
The biggest predictor of the quality of your relationship is the quality of your friendship.
Today we’re talking about how date nights can be one of the simplest changes to start improving your relationship.
The Importance of Date Nights for Emotional Intimacy
One of the cheesier phrases we have in our culture is, “To know them is to love them.” This is one of those “it’s cheesy because it’s true” things. The compound interest of a strong relationship comes from really getting to know someone. And with the way that our world works and how freakin’ busy we all are, we rarely get a break in the storm to sit down and build emotional intimacy with our partners.
To state the obvious: regular intentional time together strengthens emotional connection.
And guys, hear this: According to The Gottman Institute, the two biggest complaints that women have about their husbands in couples counseling are:
He's not there for me
There's not enough of an emotional connection
Planning regular date nights and making them a monthly priority go a long way toward preventing these complaints coming your way.
The Benefits of Regular Date Nights
Date nights also prevent complacency. It is so easy to fall into the Work-Dinner-TV-Sleep-Repeat death cycle. And while that cycle helps pay the bills and keep the lights on, it does barely anything for your relationship satisfaction. No one gets to the end of their life and wishes they worked more or watched Game of Thrones another full time through. (Although if you watched it again after that crappy ending, I have some serious questions.)
Maybe most importantly, the anticipation of scheduled date nights lowers our negative emotions like anxiety and depression. They help us get through the week!
Common Excuses for Skipping Date Nights
We all know the common excuses. “I’m too tired.” “It’s too expensive.” “We don’t have any time.”
We say the same thing about working out, and then wonder why nearly half of adult Americans are obese.
Here’s the crazy thing: just like working out, going on dates paradoxically gives you more energy. When Alyssa and I get out of the house, we rarely get home and say “That was a complete waste of time.” Sure, we’ll be tired when we get home, but it’s a good kind of tired (instead of the “I just watched 4 hours of Netflix” tired).
And for you parents out there, there are definitely some fair excuses. You’re right: it is hard to find a sitter. It’s also hard to take time away from young kids. But (there’s always a but), the single strongest predictor of a child’s mental wellbeing is the strength of their parents' relationship. There’s not even a close second.
How to Plan Effective Date Nights
Like James Clear said in Atomic Habits, we do not rise to the level of our goals; we fall to the level of our systems.
We’re only as good and consistent as our systems. Here’s the easiest way to get date nights planned:
Meet with your partner at the beginning of the month to talk about your all’s schedules.
Decide that one of you is going to plan an “In” date (at home) and one of you will plan an “Out” date (away from home).
Decide on a budget (Alyssa and I try to spend $0 on at least one of these dates a month).
Brainstorm date night ideas together.
Schedule it on each other’s calendars.
(If needing a sitter, get it scheduled ASAP and use a site like bambinositters.com if you’re starting from scratch).
Alternate who plans the “In” and “Out” date each month.
Keep a shared note of your favorite dates.
Start Planning Date Nights Now
Don’t let the busyness of life crowd out the most important thing: your relationship. Planning date nights might feel like an effort, but the payoff in emotional intimacy and connection is worth it.